No Robot; Yes Relationship

I miss solitude time in London parks :(

I have been very used to suppressing my feelings, not just towards others but to God. I tell myself, "It does not matter if I feel reluctant, doubt, or difficulty. Just rebuke and shove all these down to obey God since He matters more than my feelings."

 
I remember fact -> faith -> feelings being taught in my early years as a Christian. I believe faith requires me to act on the truth about what God has said, not feelings. I memorise scriptures like "walk by faith, not by sight," and "the heart is deceitful above all else." It remains true that feelings can be undependable, and I need to act in faith spite of how I feel.

Because of my habits, I interpret these teachings to mean "it does not matter if I have feelings; I just need to faith this out." Essentially, my habits become more ingrained, and I automatically think "it does not matter." Unfortunately, this becomes a relief when difficult emotions surface. I just need to say, "it does not matter" and move on with life.

Recently, God has been quite clear that, "every time you say "it does not matter," you are actually saying "I do not matter." But you matter, and I want you to be honest about how you think and feel so I can speak to you and help you to be willing." Instead of loving God with my mind and strength like always, He wants to insert my heart and soul into the equation. He does not want me to suppress, but to submit these aspects. This requires bringing them to Him, not burying them.

This conflicts with how I have always functioned and how I have perceived church teachings. I find myself becoming slower in timing to take action, which I was not used to. I become aware of the state of my brokenness, and the beliefs and feelings that come along with it. It is extremely uncomfortable, which leads me to think if I am even walking right. I do not ignore the possibility that my heart can be deceitful above all else, and I can very well be wrong.

Adding to the difficulty, I consider a lot about how Jesus is coming back soon. Why should I feel, think, and heal? It is taking up more time. I want to rush to do, or ignore to do more important things, just in case Jesus comes back tomorrow. My heart no longer matters then, right? Why should I care then? It comes back to my original belief - "it does not matter," because in the grander scheme of things, He does matter more.

Despite my earlier thoughts, I have sensed God bringing to my attention the need to change and do certain things. Yet, He was not rushing. This made me question why He would bring things up and not demand speed.

My mind was brought to awareness of my concept of who I think God is. I have subconsciously conceptualised a Singaporean and Nike God who is efficient, fast-paced, and driven by immediate results. "I want it fast and now. Just do it," sounded like His voice. But I sensed God was moving at a different pace, and wanted to address something else first. 

Rather than issuing a command, and expecting me to surpress my inner world, He offers an invitation. He invites me to first bring the parts I have neglected into the process. I find it a bit hard to take in that He is really this patient and kind. He will want to wait, walk, and grace me with time to grow. 

The invitation and processing looks something like this. He wants me to check if I will say yes. My spirit and mind say yes; my heart says not yet, wrestles, aches and I don't really know why. I bring this state before God. He proceeds to point where the wrestle is rooted in. Often, it comes from past wounds, which leads me to stay and be held by Him, come to terms with what had happened, and process the pain through lament. I have found God to be gentle and firm in reparenting / discipling my beliefs and feelings such that they can become more aligned to His Word, character, and original design. 

This takes time. Maybe, just maybe, this explains why He revealed things earlier than usual. He wanted to change me internally before I do things externally so that when I do externally, my actions flow out of a heart that is in the process of healing and being authentic, rather than a mind that keeps psyching, almost borderline hypnotizing, to do what is right just because it is right, all while dragging a heart that remains in denial and unhealed.

Not to forget, there is often a parallel process going on - the poopy activity of the enemy. The enemy often exploits wounds through exaggeration, lies and worser feelings. Hence, I recognise the importance to both sit with God to process the pain, and rebuke and cast out the enemy's poop.

Eventually, my actions will start to follow in small, to full units of change. My sincere hope is that, with less denial, deeper and fuller healing will occur, leading to a reduced need for processing, which in turn will prompt faster action. Alternatively, when God commands to act even though the broken beliefs and feelings has not been dealt with, or to take action while He heals, I want to be willing to do so.

I am starting to internalise that God gives commands not for command’s sake, but because He cares about me. He is not after blind obedience. He desires a relationship where my heart grows into alignment with His. This means His commands come with an invitation into process, not force to perform. His desire is not that I bypass my heart to obey, but that He brings my entire being into obedience, and restored to original design. The healing, honest conversations and willingness I get along the way matters just as much to Him as the action itself.

I do less faster, but I walk with Him closer. I find myself becoming less of a robot child, more of a relational child. And relationship is what He has always been after.