Drinking The Bitter Cup

Forgive not just seven times, but seventy times seven. 

Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

If you don’t forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Has Jesus wrestled with unforgiveness? When He was betrayed by those He called friends; with mockery from the very ones He was dying for, the only display of relatable emotions I could think of was from Matthew & Mark’s gospel, where He felt forsaken by God. I wish there were more details - more of a peek into his emotional struggle. That is if He did experience any.

With Him confronting me with the topic of forgiveness through verses and related stories for weeks, I wished I found my heart bursting with gladness or responding in agreement. Instead, I felt extreme frustration, partially toward the people whom I need to forgive, but even more so at myself, because I know I am not as magnanimous as I wanted to be. It felt easier to throw in the towel and stop putting myself in situations and conversations where I have to be confronted with this. But, I know full well that it would be foolish to not allow God to do His thing. Hence, as much as I dislike this confrontation internally, I make it a point to show up and engage externally.

I find it hard to reconcile mindful and emotional forgiveness. See, with His daily beckoning, I bite the bullet and forgive mindfully. Simultaneously, my heart feels a myriad of emotions such as hurt, anger and anxiousness. If forgiveness is a choice and not an emotion, why is it that I forgive mindfully, yet still feel unforgiveness? It seems so paradoxical.

Living in a sinful world brings an imbalance when right and wrong are placed on the same scale. Injustice and unfairness are guaranteed experiences. In the present day, children are still suffering from the effects of Agent Orange; corruption is still happening, letting some gain at the expense of others. Bringing it closer to home, what about the injustice that happens to us or the people close to us? When we think, Lord, this isn't fair; I've been abused, violated, betrayed, etc. Why? Do I even deserve this?

How do I marry injustice and forgiveness?

There are many examples in the bible of those who have sought for justice with an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Moses killed the Egyptian; Abraham killed his brother who raped his sister; Peter sliced off the servant's ear to defend his Lord; some Jews bound themselves under an oath to abstain from food and drink as they wanted to kill Paul. Unfortunately, Jesus yeeted out this mindset with his iconic sermon in Matthew 5.

As though being slapped once is not enough, I have to offer my other cheek to be slapped again. As though taking my cloak is not enough, I have to give up my tunic. As though carrying baggage for that oppressive Roman for 1 mile is not enough, I have to walk an extra mile for him. This leaves me hurt, naked and more tired than I should be, yet I cannot retaliate. I have to forgive, pray for the very ones who hurt me and leave justice in His hands. How counterintuitive!

I am very much unlike God and know I need saving from Him who can change what my heart sinfully inclines to do and conform to become like Him. I lay down bitterness to the One who drank that bitter cup on the Cross; the high priest who understands every weakness I have, and with the little strength I have left to muster within, I make this succinct prayer to God daily:

Please haalp.