When Will Sorrow Be Traded

I am not entirely sure what has been going on in my heart, but ever since Sunday night, I felt lingering sorrow, the kind that would not go away. It is as though I could burst into tears at any given moment. Usually, I would be able to kick the emotions out, but I found myself incapable of doing so this time.

Upon chatting with a dear brother yesterday, I realised that we were in the same boat. The conversation went on where we talked about the disappointments we faced in church community, and how it left us detached and one day just stopped praying and spending time with God altogether. To me, what is the point of continuing to walk with God when I harbour so much negatives about His people? It felt hypocritical to want God. Hence, I lived my life apart from God, not considering His ways at all.

How ironic that I am blogging about it here. Back in 2011, when I first started the blog, my heart was full of faith and hope. Now, it is the total opposite.

It is scary to give up on something I know for my whole life. I knew God through birth stories my parent would tell me when I was younger. Yet, the reality of God dims in comparison as I think of leaving the faith altogether like many of my friends. I do miss community, but am seriously afraid of being hurt and disappointed. Navigating through this is really really hard.

I know there will be more days like this, and I sincerely hope God rescues and provides a way out with whatever I am feeling on the inside. I want to trade sorrow for joy, but my heart is just not feeling this way. I just don’t know if I should even continue…