Is God Really Good

I don’t think God is good 

This has been something I am feeling deeply in my heart but feel uncomfortable to express it openly when asked “how is God good in your life”. Having been taught in church and served extensively in a myriad of capacities in church previously, it felt very inappropriate for me to make this statement to anyone. Often, I will find myself PR-ing, squeezing reasons to tell people about God’s goodness when I am asked to because I do not want to look like the odd one out. 

Some time ago, I was approached by this gentle and sweet lady to share my testimony to a bunch of youths. I wanted to reject this gig, but the PR Christian in me said yes. Because of Covid, I had to sit in front of a camera by myself and record. What took 1 hour became double the time because I did not press record the first time. Having to smile and act like I believe whatever I was saying for 2 hours was frustrating and exhausting. I thought I could audition for MediaCorp lol.

After the video was released, I received messages that some people felt the presence of God, were encouraged and touched by the sharing. And to be honest, I laughed in disbelief. Because here is someone not believing anything she has said, having no walk with God as it was just CMI, but people were still impacted. Naturally, I could attribute this episode to God’s glory because I know it was only Him.

Today, I still question the factuality of God’s goodness. If he is good, why does bad stuff have to happen to me? Why do I feel I am lagging behind in life, doing catchup when I am supposed to already be having a career like my peers? Why do I have to be hurt by the people who were supposed to be the closest, and especially Christians? Why do I have to be disappointed by people so much that I now second guess and fear whenever I want to be vulnerable?

There are a lot of questions I have, and I cannot find satisfactory answers to bring rest to my soul. But one thing for sure, the longer I spiral down without God, the more I think of ending it all, which is a very scary place to be in. So, even if I don’t understand and cannot reconcile the happenings in my life, I still want to choose to surrender. Because God is trustworthy, even if my heart feels the total opposite.