God Will Fight For You

Last Sunday, I came to acknowledge that my heart has been devoided of hope, sick beyond my own repair.

Casually, I agreed to stay on for church service after a I attended a home church session conducted by my mentor. The minute the pastor flashed his sermon title as Fight For Your Family, I wanted to yeet straight out to go home. However, the PR Christian in me said nope, and so I stayed on.

Throughout the time he was preaching, I felt extremely frustrated, thinking that whatever he said was just pure bulls*** even though he quoted scripture. Deep down, there is this small sane Christian in me that acknowledges the facts, but it was quickly shut down by the jaded adult who is dealing with the feelings of extreme disappointment.

If it is really true that God will fight for my family, where was He when I was suffering? Where was He when I prayed non-stop for reconciliation and peace in my household? Why doesn't He just flick His finger and take away all the brokenness, or just make my family miraculously whole? And, why must I go to a group home for 3 years, experiencing the love and warmth of a family culture, only to have it taken away because of the owners' burnout and choosing of the 1 child adoption?

In the midst of all these questions, I felt that I have to move back home for financial and human reasons. Are you kidding me, God?

During prayer time, I could no longer hold back whatever I was experiencing on the inside. The mask I tried wearing tightly to show people that I was okay, and to show myself that I was in control, dropped. I realised that I was not strong as most people think of me to be; I was just avoiding my emotions so I could choose not to open those rotten cans of worms. I realised that I was not as magnanimous as I thought of myself to be. I tried so hard not to weep, but I could not stop. Thankfully, my mentor's presence and prayer content was comforting.

As June is approaching, I find my heart gripped with fear. What if (and I am saying if in the most optimistic sense), things revert back to hell normal, like the times where I tested the waters? I know fully well that I am not strong enough. I am not full of faith that God will fight for me, but I know I must trust because He is my only option.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. - Proverbs 13:12