Connection - A Human Craving

In the past, when I read news about spouses who found it hard to leave their abusive partner, I would be appalled that they would even want to remain, knowing how hurt they would be. It seemed very easy to tell the victim to just leave. It seemed very easy for that person to just leave.

That was what I thought all along till now...

There was a period of time when I tasted real family and normalcy. Fearing to be connected in the first place because of past episodes of abandonment, I was very apprehensive and held back to give my 100%. However, seeing the others put in effort to connect caused me to think that it would be unfair if I did not do so, hence I eventually reciprocated the same.

The craving for connection was satisfied healthily, all until it no longer existed because of external human decision. To fill that void, I started to think of a familiar environment that had some form of connection, but was toxic in nature. Though I knew it would not be good for my emotional system, at least I felt connection. That was what I thought I needed, and with the convenient excuse of testing the waters, I plunged myself into the environment.

I did not mind toxicity as long as I felt connected.

If I really take a step back, this feels pretty screwed up. Like, I would do literally anything just to fill that craving. A realisation hit me, that this is what the victim similarly feels in an abusive relationship. Though it is familiar, he/she would rather stick with it, because stepping into the unknown, albeit its potential good outcome, is a very lonely place to be in. The person does not fear the hurt, but isolation - that no one sees/hears him/her anymore. At least, when he/she is hurled negatives and expletives, hit physically, he/she feels a sense of existence and connection.

Today, I am learning to acknowledge that toxicity is seriously not normal even if some believe it is and project it in reality. I recognise that this is in their worldview as they are still broken, and learn to reject it emotionally as much as I have the consciousness to do so. While I have to connect afresh with much fear and trembling, I own a small sense of pride and rejoice when I attempt to take baby steps, opening up and relating with others.

In this journey, the most comforting part of it all came from a reflection about Jesus as Emmanuel. He has chosen before the foundation of the world to be reduced as a babe / a mere man, connecting with broken humanity and going through the unnecessary / risks for our sakes. He was misunderstood by his own brothers, hurt and abandoned by his disciples' betrayals, rejected by humanity as their Messiah when He was going through what they needed to suffer, etc. He even felt forsaken by His own father when He was at the Cross. Yet, He is still with them.

The Emmanuel who was with the wise men, teachers of the law, Samaritan woman, etc. is the very same Emmanuel who is still with us - with me today. Even when I treated Him like His brothers / disciples, He is still choosing to connect and love this pretty messed up, broken individual back to life. With His blood as the ink and our lives as the paper, He has never once put down the pen to stop writing our stories of redemption. 

And Emmanuel remains reality, even when my heart is currently faithless to feel this way.