Fragmented

First, we have the KTV cluster that emerged. A lot of people I know, including myself, were enraged. Unfortunately, I found myself feeling this way, not because of the corruption and injustice of the whole situation, but the fact that Singapore may go into a lockdown again.

Compare the SARS outbreak that took place when I was in Primary school with the current Covid outbreak. The impact of this virus has been so great, so much so that we have to term this a new normal.

Then again, I feel frustrated when it has been termed and accepted a new normal. Since when was this supposed to be normal for us?

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This news has yet to settle within when another shocking news surfaced. A 13-year-old boy from River Valley high was murdered by a 16-year-old teenager with an axe. The crazy part - this has been the 3rd murder of the week for Singapore.

Both news felt like 2 slaps to my cheeks, waking me up to the reality of evil and pain we experience in this world. It reminded me of this verse in Matthew 24:

13 Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

The state of the world has become so much more imperfect. I find my heart feeling more and more unable to bear with the world going in a downward spiral. Why doesn’t God flick His finger and take all the pain away?

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Simultaneously, I found my heart growing increasingly cold towards God. I have grown disinterested to fork out time with Him. Online church became accessible and convenient, but I felt the total opposite as I laid on my bed.

Also, I felt jaded and disappointed from the examples of people who came into my life, held Christian leadership / were well regarded by Christians, but provided hurting experiences that left my heart in pieces. It felt extremely hypocritical to spend time with God knowing that I held this bottle of negatives that He wanted me to let go, but I just would not.

It was only then that I realise this parallel. My world is spiralling downwards like this world.

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I dare not look nor accept His grace. Yet, the many years of church attendance have taught me that His grace will be there whether I liked it or not because it is a part of His character. Like Peter, even if what I can honestly offer is a phileo kind of love, I know that He will accept me in this state.

He continues to agape me, and His hope is for me to stand firm to the end. Not with my own strength and faith because I obviously have none now, but with His.

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While I yearn to pray that wickedness and sickness will be eradicated from this world, I know that it is only a promise fulfilled in eternity. So, I pray for the response of my heart to be one that rests in the God who holds the comfort and answers to my fragmented thoughts.