Fighting That Monster

Nope, no one is the monster in this picture.
We only have the Metronome Monster in our class...

At this time, I am supposed to study for my Mid Semester Test which is urgent and important, but here I am typing these things that are not urgent and not important lol. If you are reading this and wondering, "Isn't Joy still working somewhere?" it just means that you have not been updated, and I send my sincere apologies about this matter.

To be frank, it was a big struggle opening up about this. I did not have time to really process till today.

You see, I had a grand plan for my life. I wanted to prove on paper that I was a stable person. With my previous recruitment / head-hunting background,  I thought potential employees would perceive someone by looking at their resume. There were candidate profiles I were holding on to that got rejected umpteen times due to multiple jumps of employment within 1 to 2 years. They were deemed as job hoppers, last choice profiles. I did not want to be seen in this light as the most recent employment I stepped out from was a short tenure of 9 months.

When I was prayerfully considering the option to go back to school, I felt a deep sense of peace. This was unusual as the default emotion I have when I see aimlessness about my future will be panic and anxiousness. But, there was none of that. I felt the Father's assurance - His big hands that holds this big world also holds this little me. <3

What I was excessively worried about though, was the way people have seen, and will see me. There were a handful of encouragements and supportive comments, mentioning I was on the right track.  However, it was muted by others who said that I was stupid and unwise. One of the "others" sadly included myself.

I am extremely happy with what I am studying in school. I feel really privileged being under the tutelage of various experienced teachers. Besides the lessons that take up a lot of my energy (in a good way), the battles I face daily with that insecurity monster that lurks at random times drains my energy as much. I hear it jeering that I should not even be here as I am not good enough as compared to others, and I will be a burden. I think a lot about the reasons why the school will even pick me, and there were many points I could give to justify. Being a quarter of a century, I feel somewhat ashamed that I am still struggling with insecurity.

In the midst of this struggle, I learnt that it is crucial to rest my heart on whatever that is truth, even if my emotions or others say otherwise. Instead of muting truth, I should mute negativity. Since God has placed me in this season of learning in a school environment, there is really nothing to prove or boast. Eventually, even if I become good at my craft, this is really still nothing to brag about because I know the One who has provided me with these opportunities to grow.

I am thankful for Him and the people whom He has placed to support me in this journey. :)